Going Solo
My friend, eveforward, has recently completed the definitive scholarly analysis of the "10 fictional characters who could take James T. Kirk in a fight." Now, she has assigned me the task of researching and reporting the top "10 dinosaurs that could eat Han Solo." Not an easy task - Solo is canny, resourceful, fast, and a crack shot with a blaster. Clearly, once aboard the Millennium Falcon he is pretty much invulnerable (barring an Alien-like infiltration of the Falcon). So, I'll have to assume Solo gets caught in a time-space warp (we know Solo is from "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away," so would he need to be warped forward or backward in time?), lands on primitive Earth, and steps out of the Falcon to go exploring. Here's my list, from least capable to most capable:

10) Tyrannosaurus rex. Yes, the famous T. rex. What, you ask? All the way at number 10? Alas, yes. I debated even including this species, but knew if I left it out, everyone would ask "but what about T. rex?" We all know that if T. rex caught Solo, it would be a short, crunchy end for our intergalactic hero. Rexie is also big enough that blaster shots will just make her mad, so Solo will have to run. And therein lies the problem. Recent analysis of the musculature and skeleton of our fave big bad dinosaur show that T. rex probably wasn't all that fast. She could lumber along fast enough to catch the other gigantic dinos of her day, but an athletic human would have a bit of an edge in speed. Solo is clearly athletic, being able to dive though blast-doors before they slam shut and capable of dodging barrages of storm-trooper blaster fire. After T. rex bursts from the underbrush, mouth agape, all Solo has to do is turn around and run like a bat out of hell to the Falcon, then close the entrance ramp.

The only reason I feel comfortable including rexie in this list is she is the only dino that could have eaten Solo while he was still encased in carbonite. T. rex had the most powerful bite of any animal known to have ever existed. She commonly punctured and broke up Triceratops pelvises during feeding. Analysis of dino-poop (how would you like that for a job?) reveal that, unlike all the other dinos that ate their prey whole or in large chunks, T. rex crunched up the bones of its victims and swallowed them in pieces. A rex loose in Jabba's palace (maybe auditioning for the Rancor's position) could have made short work of the slab with Solo in it. Then she would have devoured Jabba. After all, Jabba can't run very fast, either.


9) Eustreptospondylus oxoniensis. Scraping the bottom of the barrel here, having used up the fierce dinos people know about and digging into the obscure reaches of paleontology. Eustreptospondylus had a small part in B.B.C.'s "Walking with Dinosaurs" series, but was never really famous. Still, this guy was a fast, capable hunter. A quarter ton, solidly built stalker of the European archipelago of the middle Jurassic, Eustreptospondylus had the steak-knife teeth and wickedly taloned fore-claws of all the predatory dinos and wasn't too big to run down a man, yet was big enough that Solo's blaster pistol would just make it angrier.

8) Baryonyx walkeri. Baryonyx was a two-tonne fish eater, with jaws like a crocodile and a huge curved claw on it's first finger of each arm. Baryonyx probably mostly ate critters much smaller than it was - like Han. When he gets too close to the brushy parts of the river, Baryonyx lurches out for a quick snack.

7) Ceratosaurus nasicornus. Ceratosaurus was a half-tonne swamp monster. Long and low slung, and a capable swimmer with gigantic flesh shredding teeth. If the Falcon had to land in boggy or marshy areas of North America's late Jurassic, it is Ceratosaurus that would do our hero in.


6) Acrocanthosaurus atokensis. This dino is getting big enough that catching Solo would be questionable. Still, it was the top predator of the plains and savannas of North America's early Cretaceous. An enormous meat eater, with a ridge of spines along its back, it would make short work of Solo if it could catch him.

5) Deinonychus antirrhopus. By now, people are probably wondering about Velociraptor. Well, sad fact is, Velociraptor was only about the size of a turkey, coyote, or bobcat. A fiercely armed critter, to be sure, but then, so is a bobcat. Now, a pack of coyotes would take an injured person, but assuming Solo is generally healthy and hadn't broken a leg or caught a fever or something, Velociraptor is mostly going to leave him alone.

Now if Velociraptor is a coyote, Deinonychus is a wolf; if Velociraptor a bobcat, Deinonychus a cougar. The big cousin of Velociraptor, Deinonychus was exceptionally agile, a fast sprinter, a superb leaper, and equipped with razor sharp teeth, huge claws on its fingers, and the famous sickle-shaped toe talon for disemboweling its prey. And it hunted in packs. They would have stalked Solo, pouncing from ambush. Han would undoubtedly fell a couple of them with his blaster, but then they would be on him after no more than a couple bounds, slashing and ripping.

This brings us back to number (6), Acrocanthosaurus. Because, you see, Acrocanthosaurus lived at the same time and place as Deinonychus and was much, much bigger. Acrocanthosaurus might not kill Solo, being too slow, but if it scared a pack of Deinonychus off their kill, it could surely eat him.

(Also, Deinonychus is small enough that a pack might be able to stow away on the Falcon, leading to Aliens redux as Solo and Chewbacca are stalked in the corridors of their ship.)

4) Allosaurus fragilis. One of my all time faves, Allosaurus is a one to two tonne predator of North America's late Jurassic. Not too big to run fast, yet certainly large enough to take a man, and likely to just be annoyed by shots from Solo's blaster pistol. It had the usual array of claws, talons, and steak-knife teeth. If caught away from the Falcon, Allosaurus could chase down Solo, rip him in half with a vicious bite, then swallow each half without chewing. Oh, and the trackway evidence shows that Allosaurus occasionally hunted in packs. Ten to thirty of these dinos, the number needed to take down the giant sauropods of the time, would gulp down not only Solo but Chewbacca as well.


3) Liliensternus liliensterni. This is one of the earliest dinos, from the late Triassic of Europe. It was about the size of a jaguar (the cat, not the car), low slung and fast running, with wicked curved talons on its hands and feet and a mouth full of steak-knife teeth. Many of its relatives are known to have moved in packs, so maybe Liliensternus did too. Solo's blaster could drop a few of them, but then they would chase Solo down and rip him to messy shreds.


2) Utahraptor ostrommaysorum. If Velociraptor is a bobcat, and Deinonychus a cougar, then Utahraptor is a lion. Take everything I said about Deinonychus, and scale it up in size to something as large as the largest of the great cats. Solo wouldn't stand a chance if ambushed by a pack of these guys.

1) Aaaand the top spot goes to ... Dilophosaurus wetherilli. It is the earliest Jurassic, in the heady days when dinosaurs have just taken over the world. The earlier regime of bizarre mammal-like monsters and land-crocodile like beasts had been overthrown a scant few million years before. Back then, dinos were present, but were small and scarce, long-shot contenders for the top title. Now, they have felled all their adversaries and have grown powerful, and huge. Dinosaurs ruled the land, and Dilophosaurus ruled the dinosaurs. A half-tonne predator, Dilophosaurus was a super-sized version of Liliensternus and the biggest meat-eater of its day. It was also known (from fossil trackways) to hunt in packs of about a half dozen. Cocky from their success, these unchallenged kings of the dinosaurs would have no qualms about taking Solo down. A few of the pack may end up with blaster wounds, but our star-hopping hero would inevitably be torn to pieces.


(also, forget what you saw in Jurassic Park - Dilophosaurus did not have a neck frill, and had no evidence of venom glands or venom ducts in its teeth).

So there you have it, folks. The deadly dinosaurs that could eat our favorite science fiction heroes.